AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

Sooo between yesterday and today I finally watched the final Doctor Who specials "of 2009 / that feature David Tennant" and I. Swear. To. God. I was just murdered by the mood whiplash of David Tennant leaving the show / 10 being seriously freaked out about dying T^T and then 11 arriving (oh God it's weird to be typing 11 now!!). And seriously, the preview for Series 5 has 11 mostly wearing a bow tie and being reeeeally cute and I was so sad that David Tennant didn't sell his soul to the TARDIS and yet....!! Matt Smith is so cute. Guh!! /not breathing

So that's one way I'm dead. The other is only to say that this journal will be dead now and I'm moving it over to scarlet_city so that's where you'll find me now.

I have discovered the meaning of life!

...Okay, I 've discovered my meaning of life. Actually, let's put it this way: In fiction, I enjoy a certain amount of genre savviness, wit, and awareness of the world around and/or outside of the work. I realized - possibly knew before this but never recognized, in that knowing-things-subconsciously-or-without-talking-about-it way - that these traits combine into a single entity known as postmodernism. And it totally completes my life. (Along with Mind Screws, torture, men with glasses, and other fun things, of course.)

Needless to say, I love TV Tropes. Wayyy too much. <3 I wonder if there is a way to make the 'less-than-three' hearts of standard text into geometric hearts, ala Facebook. Like via HTML or some such.

...I really, really, really want a boba tea right now. Actually, I just want Asian food, which I don't think I've ever gone not wanting, except in illness. Although possibly even then.

(As a sidenote, most of the postmodernist whoopee from up there was brought to you courtesy of the Metal Gear TVT page. All of which I want to play now because the story sounds awesome and they're mostly made of cutscenes. XD;)

So I was trying to sleep but failing, and I was thinking about Bakemonogatari, the anime I was watching earlier, and then I got sidetracked thinking about how I don't feel real because of my gender issues. Meaning, I'm not a lesbian but I wish I were a man, and how I can't really visualize myself in my mind - my face never comes into focus, and I don't think of myself as a gender. Like, I have to think about the right pronoun to use if I'm speaking of myself: "I'm not that kind of... girl." "I'm a good, uh, person." Femininity doesn't come naturally to me. Never has. I appreciate and occasionally envy women in fiction, but don't find myself relating to them. I don't go, "I love her. She's awesome. Why aren't I more like her?" I only do that with the male characters. "Damn, I wish I could be as awesome as he is!"

If female-to-male sex change operations were 100% foolproof, and gave you a working dick, I'd probably do it. I suppose it would be awkward for those who knew me before. I'd probably have to disappear from my family. Even though I know they love me, I feel like they would look at me strangely. Not take me seriously. "What did you do that for? How could you do that to yourself? Didn't I give you everything? Why would you change like that?" But it's not foolproof. Instead you get the odd ones who don't think about a life without sex. The dykes who are still dykes even with penises, like Chastity "Chas" Bono. Those who are still in the in-between stage of genders, post-op, only instead of 60% male, 40% female, it's now 75% male, 25% female. They still don't get what they really wanted. Science will get there eventually, either with neuroscience and nerve grafting, or a gender pill like Neil thought of. But we aren't there yet. And even though I complain and/or lament my physical form, it is a notch above being nowhere, which is where I would be either as Hedwig or Chas Bono.

I was thinking about magically becoming Nevan the other day, and what Rory's reaction to it would be. Whether she would say immediately, "I want to be Calyx!" or if I would end up saying, "You should be Calyx!" But I wouldn't. I don't want to influence others because I think it should be a certain way. So I told myself I would hold my tongue until she asked me. And I realized just now about shame. I think FTM transsexuals are shameful. Even with magic, I would do it, but I don't want to be looked at in shame. And I feel like somehow I would be, that people would know just by looking, those who had never seen me pre-op, and yet they would know and judge me. So I guess I feel a lot like Suigintou, a failed project. Made a certain way, but incomplete. I wonder, I always thought that body-swapping would feel weird; when your soul swapped bodies the body would fit poorly, like a glove that's too big. So I wonder, if I swapped bodies with a shell shaped like Nevan, would my soul feel more at home, like it found a better-fitting glove that it didn't know existed? I wonder.

Totally have a job interview tomorrow, at the local movie theater. Worried and excited. I don't know why I feel like mentioning this again (at least, I feel like it's 'again') but...

Today I discovered my 'Most Horrific Moment Depicted On Film' in terms of what can actually occur in real life. My family and I were watching The Green Mile, the Stephen King-book-based film, and a guy got the death sentence in the South in the '30s, which means electric chair, and... The asshole kid guard wanted to see what would happen if he didn't wet the sponge and put it on the prisoner's head. You don't ever want them to forget to wet the sponge, let me tell you. It was... Oh god. Why am I talking about this?

Um, to distract me, I'll tell you about how Scarlett, one of my cousin's Maine Coon cats who we call the 'little brown bear', is sitting next to me on the couch sleeping and she is the cutest thing ever. She's been sooo sweet and cuddly the past week or so, and it's so strange to me because she and her sister, Alabama, used to be very mixed in signals and crabby all the time. I'm glad that at least she appears to like me, for the time being. <3

Speaking of cute things, I swear it is stupid and awesome how cute Simon Baker's smile is, and I am so not a smile girl that it confounds me a bit that this is true. (Then again, I think back to the Horrors' tour diaries and how cute each of them are when they smile, esp. Faris because it is a bit rare, that I might have to eat my words. ^^;) Anyway. The Mentalist is so. Fucking. Awesome. Seriously, every episode fills me with squee because Simon Baker is attractive and his character, Jane, has the most awesome personality ever. (Huh. I should learn the whole rule about never saying never. Or in this case, 'ever'. :P) So yeah. Awesome show. Made of serious win. If I'm lucky I might get Season 1 for Christmas... ^^;;;;

I might actually have a job! I have an interview Monday afternoon, and oh God I am going to be the fucking epitome of nice there and when they hire me. Also, Laurel's Hizumu plushie is coming along really nicely, and he almost has a body. He just needs another leg, and for me to sew on the head. Except that his face isn't right yet. Anyway. Yeah, so Christmas music kind of kills me but I guess it killed me more last year 'cos I worked in it for like 8 hours straight every day. D: Still. Christmas is weird when you're poor. But that's nothing new except to me. ^^;

I've been rewatching Firefly while sewing and it's obviously as awesome as it ever was. I don't know why I thought that was news. But in terms of new things, it snowed a week ago and was crazy weird and freaking beautiful, before it got plowed and dirty. It's looking to snow again in the next few days. My dad is in Michigan watching after his dad who underwent surgery to get rid of his cancer, but he can't come home yet because during the surgery the doctors cut a lymph node and its leaking into my grandfather's chest cavity, and they have to keep doing more surgeries to prevent the leakage. So I haven't seen my dad in like two weeks. Oh, and if I seem unconcerned with my grandfather's possible death, I'm not, because he's old and it wouldn't be strange if he passed. And he's kind of a jerk and I don't like him that much so it doesn't bother me.

So that's my life right now. Winter and Christmas and watching television shows, haha. Not as debilitatingly boring as it sounds. ^^;

In the last two weeks, I have

1) Gotten a ticket (for turning right on a no-right-turn in this weird bird-foot-shaped intersection in Arrowhead).

2) Not a week after that, I rear-ended this lady in stop-and-go traffic on the 91, on my way home. She was kind of a bitch, but then I was being an asshole to mask the fact that I was nervous and a little scared because I have no money and my dad pays my insurance and pretty much everything about my car right now, and I didn't want him to be angry at me. I swear it makes sense. >.>

3) Had a good Thanksgiving, though I hate family functions and having to be around the young children of my family is a pain in the ass because they're... well, children. They're more obnoxious than most children, though.

4) Done well working on Laurel's Hizumu plushie! Working on the legs at the moment. Almost done with the head (just need to color the eyes), and the torso and arms are sewn and stuffed and together.

5) Finished Rozen Maiden, Rozen Maiden Traumend, and am starting Rozen Maiden Ouverture. The first season was awesome! Sooo cute and interesting! <3 God, but the last four episodes of Traumend made me cry. ;_; I mean, Hina Ichigo... No one should ever have to suffer a death like that. It's just... I can't even say how excruciating it was, almost Nightmare Fuel in the clockwork winding down sequence. Jesus. Nevertheless, that show was made of so much cute. Esp. Hina, who I expected to dislike but she was just sooo well-mannered and adorable. :3 I think I liked Shinku the best, despite Souseiseki being awesomely shota (though she's a girl) and Hina being adorable and Suigintou being so Gothic Lolita. Shinku's attitude was just general so badass. (Except for a lot of Traumend. Meh.) Oh, and the opening and ending themes for each season are so catchy and awesome too. (In case you didn't catch that this show is awesome. :P) I love Ali Project's way of singing, and of course the lyrics are typical anime theme philosophizing. S'all good. <3

That's mostly it. Greatly enjoying watching TV on my computer since there's shit on my actual television, and esp. anime because watching anime just makes me feel warm and fuzzy and fulfilled. Sooo my watch list includes Rozen Maiden, Kara no kyoukai, Bakemonogatari, and for Western TV Big Bang Theory, Heroes, and The Mentalist. Also, this weekend will be interesting (and hopefully make us a lot of money) as it's Black Friday and the start of holiday shopping. Aaaand Saturday night will be a fucking party because I'll be with Laurel! 'Nuff said. XD;;

P.S. Random Heroes side note but - seriously, what the fuck, writers of Heroes? Sylar is not some hick asshole without manners. I mean, yeah, maybe it was his way of silently snarking at the Petrellis' formality, but it is Heroes, so I wouldn't put it past them to just go "Let's make Sylar eat pie obnoxiously because it shows how evil he is" and not have a good reason. Though it was made up for with the pain he went through as Nathan fought him from the inside. XD;;;

For example, there is an ugly child at the top of my journal, and a bitch-faced girl trying to be sexy and failing at the side of the text box as I post this.

In other news, Dollhouse is not yet up for cancellation! I searched and searched, but there were no concrete mentions of 'ooh, we're shutting this show down'. It was mostly speculation and the never-far-from-the-surface worry of fans since this is a Joss show (which means that it is simultaneously the best thing on television and the least watched). It's taking a break in Nov., there will be double-episodes in Dec., and it will return to its normal setup on Jan. 8. This is all sort of 'possibly' since apparently Fox said it would be airing in Nov. with ads and shit and then reneged a week later on it. But hopefully, yes, this is what will happen.

Related to that, I don't understand why broadcasting companies rely so much on ratings of shows when in the age of Internet, many people watch shows online. Or record them and watch them later. Or something less easily tracked, especially the age group for Dollhouse which I am assuming is something like 18-35. These are the people who are the most up-to-date with technology, and will therefore not be restricted to watching shows at a particular time on a network. Just sayin'.

TVTropes Makes My Life Un-Boring...Sometimes

...but was not called that because it needed a link to TVTropes. XD

And this... Trope? Article? Whatever. Epitomizes why it is amazing. Yay Hypocritical Humor!

...

I think I am in love with the Nasuverse. Seriously. Kara no kyoukai... Tsukihime and therefore (and possibly especially) Melty Blood... Speaking of Melty Blood, I am absolutely positively going to try for my brother's PS2 that he never uses! Hopefully he didn't give it up or something. I knew I should've taken it when I had the chance... XD;;

Mmm. Hot chocolate with peppermint Schnapps. <3 And beef jerky ROFL.

I just realized, in an immature and inane kind of way, that one could describe Mr. Bennet thusly:

"OMG HRG iz such a BAMF DILF GQMF with a BFG, FTW! LOL 8D"

And possibly other acronyms that have 'fuck' in them. XD;;

Also, LJ obviously hates me as I wrote an entry three hours ago and it posted... and then only the first line showed up. So it died. D:< It was basically a bunch of musings and rants about Heroes ROFL so it wasn't a big deal. Basically: Yay Charlie/Hiro! Yay Mohinder will be back (I think)! When will Sylar get his body back and start killing people?!

And... done.

Today. Was. Awesome!

Last night I got into Berkeley for the weekend, and Laurel and I stayed up until 5:30 watching Heroes Volume 3. (Finally! We are out of its Dork Age!) She agrees with me on all counts: that Maya is a stupid bitch who needs to disappear, that Elle is a whiny bitch who we are glad did disappear by Sylar's hands, and that HRG is so consistently badass that he is the only person worth watching in that part.

Then we woke up, donned our kick-ass dorky Star Trek movie-style costumes (even our boots matched almost perfectly) and she, Hope, and I went to get boba tea and a snack, then catch the BART and a taxi over to the Exploratorium. It was five hours of science! Awesome, fascinating, interesting science! Yes! Laurel and I discovered that she is an alien because her electrical current is higher than Hope's or mine, and saw a teacup hologram-illusion, and "talked" to a computer while it talked back, and shocked ourselves with a wool washcloth and a metal plate. Before we left we took pictures in one of those photo booths and they came out so ridiculously cute and exciting!! I'm uploading them to Facebook soon.

We returned to Berkeley and had pho and rented more Heroes, and tomorrow I hear we'll be wandering around Berkeley being awesome. XD

Also, she and Hope have two grey kitties, Dmitri "Mitya" and Josephine: the most awesome kitties in the world!! XD